quick rant

Regular Lawyer has noticed some strange lawyer language coming out of large law firms. The most disturbing example of lawyer language came through an email from Law Firm X to Regular Lawyer’s firm. The email said that now certain documents were agreed between the parties, Law Firm X would ‘prepare engrossments’.

What the f___ is an engrossment? Regular Lawyer had to ask around to find out, and even the colleagues who walk around with furrowed brows, constantly checking their blackberries and talking about deal-breakers didn’t know.

When Regular Lawyer finally learned that an egrossment was a printed and bound copy of a document ready for execution, much time was spent wondering why Law Firm X didn’t simply say ‘we will print and bind 2 copies of the document ready for execution’. Regular Lawyer supposes the reason has something to do with the fear that lawyers get when they realise their job can be done by pretty much any old monkey. No really, actual monkeys can do what we do.

Lawyers love using words like ‘engrossment’ to make sure that Joe Public remains in awe of lawyers’ enormous minds and ability to understand archiac (but clearly very important) language. This is exactly the sort of holier than thou rubbish PSM aims to stamp out. Regular Lawyer welcomes examples of idiotic words and phrases you’ve come across in practice.

blackberry spotto: fun game for the whole family

Have you ever played the game "spotto" on a road trip? Regular Lawyer used to play it with friends and family on childhood trips down south. The aim of the game was to spot as many different VW buggies (or "Herbies") on the way to the trailer park.

These days, Regular Lawyer plays a different version of spotto on trips down the terrace or at the pub, the aim being to spot as many pompous colleagues as possible playing with their blackberries. The scoring goes something like this:

• 1 point: spotting of regular lawyer git with head up arse pretending to check email messages on the blackberry.
• 2 points: spotting a serial offender jackass. You know, the types with an obsessive compulsive neurosis that requires them to check the blackberry every 5 seconds, like the next call could be a deal-breaker. (Regular Lawyer doesn't know what a deal-breaker might be, but Regular Lawyer's important collegues seem to bandy the phrase around while looking concerned and repeatedly checking their blackberries).
• 3 points: spotting a blackberry pretender. These guys pose like cool kids, pretending like they don't really care about their blackberry, but secretly they need it like Simon Watters needs a colonoscopy (you'll know what Regular Lawyer means if you read Simon's regular 'From the Vine' contributions to Brief).
• 5 points: spotting a complete nob-cheese. This guy pretends to take important calls on the blackberry, talking loudly with big words, only to find the thing rings when it's attached to their ear. Nob-cheeses, like truffles, are rare but worth their weight in gold when you sniff them out.

Regular Lawyer posted a score of 23 today at lunchtime. Regular Lawyer invites its members and readers to better that score.

nomination: president's medal 2007

The Law Society of WA is taking nominations for the President's Medal 2007 (see link). You will be pleased to know that Regular Lawyer has been nominated for this prestigious award. A copy of the submission is set out below.

From: Regular Lawyer regularlawyer@gmail.com
Date: Nov 10, 2006 3:03 PM
Subject: President's Medal 2007 Nomination
To: mbennett@lawsocietywa.asn.au

The Law Society of Western Australia
Attention: Mr Michael Bennett
President's Medal 2007

Dear Sirs,

We understand that The Law Society of Western Australia is currently seeking nominations from its members for the inaugural Law Council of Australia President's Medal. On behalf of Patronus Sans Magnificus (Lawyers Without Pomp), I would like to nominate Regular Lawyer for this prestigious award.

Regular Lawyer's outstanding contribution to promoting the role of lawyers in the Perth community deserves the President's recognition. Regular Lawyer meets the criteria for this award as follows:

1. The Person is an Australian Lawyer

Regular Lawyer is an Australian lawyer.

2. The person is of good standing in the Australian legal profession

I have seen Regular Lawyer still standing after abusing the free bar at work drinks for over 4 hours, and I have never known Regular Lawyer to fall over (though Regular Lawyer has been known to spew in the toilets of Regular Lawyer's law firm, earning the nickname of 'Chunder Wonder').

Regular Lawyer will also always stand up straight after being bent over for hours by partners and senior associates alike.

3(b) The person has brought credit on the legal profession through a personal or professional commitment to the promotion or defence of the public interest

Regular Lawyer is tireless in defending the image of lawyers, showing time and time again that you do not need to be a smug git douchebag to be a lawyer or to practice law. Regular Lawyer was the driving force behind the establishment of Patronus Sans Magnificus, the best law society ever.

Whether Regular Lawyer is drinking at Emporio, The Belgian or BarOne (popular lawyer haunts), Regular Lawyer will always loudly and publicly ridicule the antics of Regular Lawyer's self-satisfied and conceited colleagues. Whilst this may not always be in the public's interest, it is usually in the interests of the publican.

3(e) The person has brought credit on the legal profession through a personal or professional commitment to upholding the honour and integrity of the Australian legal profession

Regular Lawyer is always one to uphold the honour and integrity of the bar. For example, every Friday Regular Lawyer will be admitted to the bar for VB grenades, and laughs at the arse-lickers sipping on their overpriced Japanese beers.

4. The person is an outstanding example to the Australian legal profession or those who might seek to join the ranks of the profession

Obtaining a deep, intimate understanding of today's young lawyers and law graduates is very high on Regular Lawyer's agenda. Regular Lawyer will always take a special interest in the talents of vacation clerks, and will often stay back late with vacation clerks to cop a feel of the amazing potential of these young legal guns.

Thank you for considering this nomination. Please contact Regular Lawyer at regularlawyer@gmail.com to make arrangements for Regular Lawyer's acceptance of the award.

Regards

Peter President
Patronus Sans Magnificus

australian young lawyers awards

Regular Lawyer had the displeasure of attending the Australian Young Lawyers Awards last week.

Now before accusing Regular Lawyer of being a turncoat, Regular Lawyer would like to mention that the YLC (Young Lucifer’s Club) deviously tricked Regular Lawyer into attending these awards, by advertising the awards as the National Golden Gavel Competition with free food and drinks.

The Golden Gavel Competition is known to be a funny event. However, YLC cruelly toyed with Regular Lawyer’s emotions, by staging the Australian Young Lawyers Awards before the main event. On the one hand, Regular Lawyer was pleased with the seemingly endless supply of free booze (though no XXXX or Carlton Wife Beater was on offer) but, on the other hand, Regular Lawyer was also subjected to a steady barrage of self-appreciating, embarrassingly long and boring award and acceptances speeches.

One acceptance speech particularly stood out for being completely lame. The Law Institute of Victoria’s YLC won an award for publishing the "Articled Clerks Survival Handbook 2006: An Essential Guide for Articled Clerks & Young Lawyers". Not only was Regular Lawyer offended that such a piece of lame-arse tosh could actually win a national award, Regular Lawyer experienced first-hand the gibberish that comprises this handbook, when the accepting speaker read extracts from an A – Z poem featured in the Guide. The poem was about what it means to be a young lawyer. The flavour of the poem was something like:

"B is for Billing and those billable hours. In 6 minute units, your day will be devoured.
C is for Clients and all of their needs. Meetings are made to help you get leads."

LAME, LAME, LAME.

This went on for about 5 minutes… "S is for a big SHUT the HELL UP."

Regular Lawyer accepts that there is a place for poetry, even in the condescending world of How To Guides written by lawyers barely out of their Articles year. But to subject an innocent and unwary crowd to this complete rubbish is just criminal.

Regular Lawyer is offering a prize to anyone who can send in a copy of the now infamous A-Z poem.

weekend antics

Friends and members, what did you do on the weekend?

Regular Lawyer abused the free bar at work drinks then proceeded to get stoinkered at the pub with mates.

Post comments and stories about your amazing weekend. Regular Lawyer will be expropriating more office merchandise for the best story.

membership package

As a celebration of the beginning of Patronus Sans Magnificus, Regular Lawyer is offering a limited number of new members an exclusive membership package.

The membership package includes special membership certificate, a surprise item from Regular Lawyer's office (which could be anything from last year's Corporations Law to a postcard from Regular Lawyer's better travelled friends) and a free gift courtesy of Hughes-Castell (pictured).

When you join up by emailing regularlawyer@gmail.com, include your mailing address and wait in anticipation for your exclusive membership package.

The revolution has begun!

best law society ever

Dear prospective member,

Patronus Sans Magnificus (or Lawyers without Pomp) is a new society created for regular Joe and Jane lawyers who don't spend their weekends doing things like feeding blind pigeons at a retirement home for elderly refugees.

Patronus Sans Magnificus aims to:
- remove the scourge of smug gittishness from the legal profession and
- improve the image of lawyers by showing that being a self-conceited, arrogant twat is not a prerequisite for practising law.

Patronus Sans Magnificus members:
- have real lives that don't revolve around the law and things law related
- spend their spare time doing fun things, like going to the pub with their mates
- don't feel the need to talk up their legal or law related exploits
- don't have their heads up their arses
- dissociate themselves from lawyers who have their heads up their arses.

If you're interested in becoming a Patronus Sans Magnificus member and you're not a complete tool, then register your interest by emailing regularlawyer@gmail.com. If you know a lawyer who may be interested in becoming a member (and who is not a complete tool), then please forward this email to them.

Membership is free and you don't have to do anything. If you want to help Patronus Sans Magnificus make positive changes to our society, then go join Amnesty or something.

Cheers

Regular Lawyer